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Siasat Ka Masala

The ‘Siasat’ has begun. The die is cast. PML (N) and PPP are at each other’s throats again. The coming weeks and months promise to be lots of fun for spectators like me. With sufficient supply of assorted dried fruits and very aged drinks, I intend not to miss a moment. The preview of the up-coming show, starring none others than the leading gentlemen Messrs Sharif (NS) and Zardari (AZ), featured Oscar-worthy performances. Displaying the civility that is the famed hallmark of Pakistani politics, noble titles were bestowed upon each other.

I had feared that my pleasure cruise might be derailed by some downer ‘issue-based’ campaign. It is a testament to the political genius of NS and AZ who realized, in time, my vociferous need for ‘siasat-desi style’. Likewise, my fellow countrymen do not wish to be bored by debates about inflation, unemployment, terrorism etc. We expect and must get curry with full masala. No masala-less light sea-food for us.

I am also happy to recall that the bar for ‘siasat’ with masala has been set quite high by our poetic friends from MQM. It is an opportune time to drop ‘aap’ and commence with ‘tum’, or better yet, ‘tu’. NS in particular has to step up his game. He must rid himself of the pretentious ‘shaguftana’ Urdu and get real. This is a tough man’s sport and ‘Zardari Sahab (sahab-really??)main ye tawaqu nahi karta tha’ is just not going to cut it. He needs to be shown, repeatedly, the clips of the infamous ‘ganja’ episode by Mr. Wasim Akhtar. It is disappointing on NS’s part that while the normally sublime Urdu is used to its fullest by Mr. Akhtar and Co, Punjabi, NS’s provincial tongue, is increasingly being devoid of its very colorful use. Let the (attack) dogs out man!

The role played by our new media is exhilarating. The hosts of our current-affairs programs fail to disappoint. They know the exact amounts and correct combos of masalas a good curry requires. In this, they are helped by the leaders and semi-leaders of smaller parties. These parties have the added incentive to benefit from a process of ‘offers and bids’ called trading.

Another joyful aspect of this current campaign is the involvement of non-political entities (Army, America and Allah). We should expect a couple of NS scandals/cases dug up and produced/directed by the almighty ISI, which should add to our entertainment options. The Army should also be expected to entertain us with other mystery happenings. God bless Pak fauj!

As the all important factor in three A’s, America will be keen to ensure that the Pakistani people be kept fully entertained while the boring stuff takes place behind the scenes. For the better, I say. Better for the boring stuff of the economy, terrorism and governance be kept off prime time. No one wants to know beforehand about belt-tightening or call mujahid a terrorist. Like a good eastern daughter; we prefer our decisions be made FOR us. I certainly hope to see Ms. Clinton in Pakistan with her ‘the-world-is-ending’ (pushto-tanday racholay de) look that scares the hell out of the most macho of our civil and military leaders. And what fun would it be to lay the red carpet for the VIPs and to talk shit about them when they are gone.

As for the Taliban and other assorted hot blooded individuals, this will be a time when their stocks of munitions and suicide bombers could be put to good use. After all, with the party approaching climax in Afghanistan (10 years is about the max time for wars in Afghanistan), why not celebrate with some fireworks?

So my friends, sit back and relax. Let’s judge our leaders rightly by counting the number of ‘molvi’ or ‘ganja’ punches they can land. We are not here to watch a serious, independent film; we want some X-Men/Iron-man/Spiderman/Transformers action flick. Our votes are for those who bloody not for the bloodied. We ought to be thrilled that this show will reach its climax with General Elections, when I certainly hope to see a few cellular cameras capture the ultimate art of poll rigging.

Ultimate mazaa!!!

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